Getting Your Child Interested in Therapy When They Don't Want to Go
"I don't want to go to therapy." For many parents, hearing these words triggers a mix of frustration, worry, and helplessness. You've recognized that your child needs support, taken the difficult step of seeking help, and now face the challenge of a child who wants nothing to do with it. This resistance is more common than you might think, and it doesn't mean therapy can't work. In fact, understanding and working with your child's reluctance rather than against it often becomes the first step toward meaningful therapeutic progress.
Children resist therapy for many valid reasons. They may not understand what therapy is, fear being judged or labeled, worry about betraying family loyalty, or simply lack the language to express what they're feeling. As parents, navigating this resistance while honoring both your child's feelings and your knowledge that they need help requires patience, creativity, and a shift in perspective about what therapy actually means.
Understanding Why Children Resist Therapy
Before addressing resistance, it's crucial to understand its roots. Children rarely wake up thinking, "I need professional help," and their resistance often makes complete sense from their developmental perspective.
Many children don't see their struggles the way adults do. A child acting out at school may not connect their behavior to underlying anxiety or family stress. A teenager isolating in their room may not recognize their depression. From their viewpoint, adults are forcing them into an unfamiliar situation to "fix" something they don't believe is broken. This fundamental disconnect in problem perception creates the first layer of resistance.
Fear plays a significant role in therapy reluctance. Children may worry about what happens in therapy, imagining it as a place where they'll be criticized, forced to talk about painful things, or labeled as "crazy" or "bad." Popular media often portrays therapy inaccurately, and children may bring these misconceptions to their first appointment. For some children, especially those who've experienced trauma or have trust issues, the idea of opening up to a stranger feels genuinely threatening.
Developmental factors also shape resistance. Younger children may not have the cognitive capacity to understand that talking about feelings can help them feel better. Adolescents, navigating their emerging independence, may view therapy as yet another way adults try to control them. For teens in particular, being mandated to therapy can feel like a power struggle, activating their need to assert autonomy.
Sometimes resistance stems from loyalty conflicts. Children may worry that talking to a therapist about family problems means betraying their parents or exposing family secrets. They might fear that being honest about their struggles will disappoint or hurt the people they love most.
Practical Strategies to Increase Engagement
Beyond reframing, specific strategies can help reluctant children become more open to the therapeutic process.
Start with Collaborative Goal-Setting
Before the first session, work with your child to identify at least one thing they'd like to change or improve, even if it seems small or unrelated to your primary concerns. "I want to fight less with my brother," "I want to feel less worried at night," or even "I want my parents to stop bugging me" are all valid starting points. When children have a say in therapy goals, they're more likely to engage.
Choose the Right Therapist
Therapeutic fit matters enormously, especially for reluctant children. Finding a therapist specializing in child therapy who uses developmentally appropriate approaches can make all the difference. Some children respond well to play-based therapy, others to talk therapy, and some to more active, skills-based approaches.
Consider involving your child in therapist selection when appropriate. Showing them therapist bios, explaining different therapeutic styles, or even attending brief initial consultations with multiple therapists (when feasible) gives children agency in the process.
Prepare Without Over-Preparing
Give your child age-appropriate information about what to expect, but avoid creating so much anticipation that anxiety builds. For younger children, you might say "You'll meet with someone who has lots of toys and games, and you'll play together while sometimes talking about feelings." For older children, "You'll meet someone whose job is to listen and help you figure things out. The first session is mostly about getting to know each other."
Avoid promising that therapy will be "fun" or "easy," as this sets unrealistic expectations. Instead, frame it honestly: "It might feel weird at first, but lots of kids end up really liking their therapist once they get to know them."
Respect Pacing and Autonomy
Some children need several sessions to warm up, and that's okay. Work with the therapist to establish realistic expectations about the engagement timeline. Pressure to "open up" immediately often backfires. Support your child's need to build trust at their own pace.
Reframing Therapy for Your Child
How you present and discuss therapy significantly impacts your child's willingness to engage. Moving away from deficit-focused language toward collaborative, empowering framing can shift the entire dynamic.
Instead of positioning therapy as "fixing what's wrong," present it as a space for exploration and growth. You might say, "Everyone faces challenges sometimes, and therapists are people specially trained to help figure out those challenges," or "Therapy is like having a coach for your emotions and thoughts." This approach normalizes the experience and removes the stigma of being "broken."
For children who resist because they don't see a problem, acknowledge their perspective while gently introducing yours. "I know you don't think you need this, and I hear that. I've noticed you seem stressed/sad/angry lately, and I want to make sure you have support. Can we try it a few times and see if it helps?" This validates their feelings while maintaining appropriate parental authority.
Emphasize agency and control where possible. "The therapist will follow your lead" or "You can choose what to talk about" helps children feel less threatened. For teens especially, framing therapy as their own space, separate from parents, can increase buy-in. "This is a place where you can talk about anything, including things you don't feel comfortable discussing with me."
Connect therapy to your child's values or interests when possible. If your child values friendship, you might note, "A therapist can help you feel more confident in friendships." For a child who loves sports, "Think of it like training your mind the way you train your body for soccer."
What Parents Can Do to Support the Process
Your role doesn't end once you drop your child off at therapy. How you support the therapeutic process at home significantly impacts outcomes.
Manage Your Own Anxiety and Expectations
Children are remarkably attuned to parental anxiety. If you're anxious, desperate, or overly invested in immediate results, your child will sense this and may resist further. Work on managing your own expectations by remembering that resistance is normal and doesn't predict therapy failure, reminding yourself that building therapeutic relationships takes time, and focusing on small signs of engagement rather than dramatic breakthroughs.
Consider whether your own therapy or parent coaching might help you navigate this challenging time. Processing your feelings about your child's struggles in your own therapeutic space prevents those feelings from overwhelming the family system.
Create a Positive Therapy Routine
Make the therapy routine as stress-free as possible by planning enjoyable activities before or after sessions when feasible, avoiding using therapy as punishment or connecting it to consequences, maintaining consistency with appointment times, and staying calm and matter-of-fact about therapy attendance.
Some families find it helpful to create small traditions around therapy, like stopping for a special snack afterward or having dedicated time together before the appointment. These positive associations can reduce resistance over time.
Respect Confidentiality Appropriately
Your child needs to know that therapy is their private space. While therapists will share concerning information or general progress updates with you, resist the urge to interrogate your child about session content. Questions like "What did you talk about?" can make children feel surveilled and less likely to open up in future sessions.
Instead, let your child share what they want to share. "If there's anything from therapy you want to talk about, I'm here" communicates availability without pressure. Trust that the therapist will communicate with you about important developments while respecting your child's privacy.
Collaborate with the Therapist
Attend parent sessions when offered, communicate concerns or observations between sessions as appropriate, follow through with any suggestions or homework, and be honest with the therapist about ongoing resistance or challenges. A strong parent-therapist partnership significantly enhances treatment effectiveness.
Working with Different Types of Resistance
Resistance manifests differently across ages and temperaments. Tailoring your approach to your specific child's resistance style increases effectiveness.
1. The Defiant or Oppositional Child
Children who actively refuse, argue, or sabotage therapy sessions need firm boundaries coupled with empathy by acknowledging their feelings while maintaining expectations, offering choices within boundaries when possible, avoiding power struggles over therapy attendance, and working with the therapist on approaches specifically for oppositional behaviors.
2. The Anxious or Fearful Child
Children who resist due to anxiety need gradual exposure and reassurance through starting with shorter sessions if needed, allowing them to bring comfort items, practicing anxiety management before sessions, and emphasizing safety and control in the therapeutic relationship.
3. The "Nothing's Wrong" Child
Children who genuinely don't see a problem benefit from reframing and patience by focusing on goals they do care about initially, letting the therapist build a relationship before addressing difficult topics, trusting the therapeutic process even when progress seems slow, and avoiding labeling or diagnosing in ways that increase defensiveness.
4. The Overwhelmed Child
Children who shut down or dissociate need gentler approaches that include respecting their need for breaks and pacing, using creative or play-based approaches, not forcing verbal processing before they're ready, and working with trauma-informed practitioners when relevant.
5. The Adolescent Asserting Independence
Teenagers resisting therapy often respond to increased autonomy by giving them more control over therapy goals and focus, respecting their need for privacy from parents, framing therapy as their choice whenever possible, and connecting therapy to their values and future goals.
Understanding your child's specific resistance style helps you and the therapist develop the most effective engagement strategies.
When to Persist and When to Pause
Sometimes, despite best efforts, a child remains intensely resistant to therapy. Knowing when to persist versus when to pause requires careful consideration.
Continue persisting when resistance is about discomfort rather than harm, your child shows any signs of engagement, even small ones, the therapist believes the resistance is workable, the presenting concerns are serious enough that intervention is necessary, or you've addressed practical barriers like therapist fit or scheduling.
Consider pausing when therapy is causing significant trauma or distress, the therapeutic relationship isn't developing despite adequate time and effort, your child's resistance creates family conflict that outweighs potential benefits, or the timing simply isn't right due to other major life stressors.
If you do pause, frame it as temporary rather than permanent. "We're going to take a break from therapy right now, but we can revisit this in a few months if needed," keeps the door open while reducing immediate pressure. Sometimes children who resist therapy at age 8 or 13 become more receptive at 10 or 15 when their developmental stage shifts.
Conclusion
Getting your child interested in therapy when they don't want to go is challenging, but resistance doesn't mean therapy can't work. With patience, appropriate framing, and collaboration with skilled therapists, many resistant children eventually engage in meaningful therapeutic work. Remember that building trust takes time, and early resistance often gives way to genuine connection and growth.
If you're struggling with a reluctant child and need support, IMPACT Psychological Services offers specialized approaches for children of all ages. Our therapists understand resistance, work skillfully with hesitant children, and partner with parents to create the conditions for therapeutic success.
At IMPACT, we are committed to supporting your mental health and well-being. Our experienced team of professionals are here to help you navigate life's challenges and achieve your goals. If you found this blog helpful and are interested in learning more about how we can assist you on your journey, please don't hesitate to reach out. Take the first step towards a healthier, happier you. Contact us today to schedule a consultation.
